someone’s nobody

right now i am living in memories
in more than one place,
crying in more than one time
happy at least once at least one place one time once

before i could see everything
(kaleidoscope vision),
watching myself be her, fiery but someone
someone

a someone back then wondering who this nobody is
(are you the one sent to care about me?
care about me care about me me please someone)
i always thought nobody was watching me
in the dark corner of my dark room, dark thoughts
making sure i made it somewhere,
closing my eyes at night
drying my eyes at night

i was right
i am nobody
and nobody cared about me

(i wasn’t the kind of angel she was expecting,
i tried
i’m sorry)

easily

we’re worried about her
we’re worried about her
we’re worried about her

someone slipped a note into my brain the day i was born
no one will ever worry about me
(there are more important people)
i am here by mistake, not my time not time yet

born into the wrong family (she said my universe said)
broken bones on my way to the dirt
they will drop me for her
in under a heartbeat

the family will be okay when i’m gone
the family would fall apart if you were gone

not loved

i am not loved
not liked by anyone

my behaviour pushed you away
wanting to be liked pushed you away

next time i’ll keep it in my pocket along with my bloody tissues

next time i’ll put holes in the brick walls

because she knows and i know
a breakdown is only okay from you
never
never from me

only okay wrapped in blankets wrapped in tears

only okay if you don’t wake up to the people who broke me every morning
broke me
they don’t even know or care
that i am only a fraction of who i used to be

(i could have liked myself, too,
but i should just get over how much i hate hate how much i hate myself now
because i’ll never like myself now)

you should only ever help me
if i am coated in sugar

ignore me instead
i am coated in fire ants
wrapped in hate, anger, paranoia, nothing, nothing nothing nothing nothing

(not good for anyone)

i had dirt shoved in my mouth
for the same reason you demand a halo

silenced for two weeks
five months
three years
—because no one wanted to hear it
(from me)

i understand now:
you all want me to hate myself
because i deserve to hate myself
i was dead to you long before i knew it
and i won’t let it slip past me again
because dead people don’t come back to life

(i will never come back to life)

Messy

I wonder what it tastes like to be lovely

to have the right to be needy, to be needed, need

a break from this body. This messy body.

with steel bars made of ghosts

—-all me, a me I left in August

listen to her,

she put whispers into my quiet words

said, Forget about it (Think about it)

she put another world in my hands, An Underneath

said, Come find me

I said, I have always tried