pretend people poetry

i used to have a green jumper
and a blue, pink, yellow …
i wish i could mourn the tasteless poetry i no longer get to read
no longer have the privilege to pretend to feel
or the wasting goodbyes i spit too frequently years too late
but i can’t step outside in my green jumper
because i’m covered in your gall to call me selfish,
ugly, worthless, i am covered in the low self-esteem gifted to me
i wish i could mourn the pretend people poetry
and the way medicine drowns its eyes in foggy late-night swims
it is more like carving a clay-like person inside this skin every day
because Greed for acceptance got me covered in hairline fractures

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pretend people

 

everyone i’ve ever met has told me the same small secret with their mouth shut
wanted the same quick ending for me
breaking conversations with silence — ‘don’t you know how boring yyou are?’
looks around the table like it’s time to stop now,
my only purpose is being their idea of a waste of space.
the three voices
they’re all real and i’m stuck in a pretend place

Happy

i op shopped around for my old skin
they said they sold it to make shoes, shoes worn for champagne
traced it back a year when i cut it open into shreds for me to wear like an ink blotch
happier, this is a Happy story
cloned out of a hospital bed, memories back inside a book of doll houses, remember me less

someone’s nobody

right now i am living in memories
in more than one place,
crying in more than one time
happy at least once at least one place one time once

before i could see everything
(kaleidoscope vision),
watching myself be her, fiery but someone
someone

a someone back then wondering who this nobody is
(care about me care about me me please)
i always thought nobody was watching me
in the dark corner of my dark room, dark thoughts
making sure i made it somewhere,
closing my eyes at night
drying my eyes at night

i was right
i am nobody
and nobody cared about me

(i wasn’t the kind of angel she was expecting,
i’m sorry)