not loved

i am not loved
not liked by anyone

my behaviour pushed you away
wanting to be liked pushed you away

next time i’ll keep it in my pocket along with my bloody tissues

next time i’ll put holes in the brick walls

because she knows and i know
a breakdown is only okay from you
never
never from me

only okay wrapped in blankets wrapped in tears

only okay if you don’t wake up to the people who broke me every morning
broke me
they don’t even know or care
that i am only a fraction of who i used to be

(i could have liked myself, too,
but i should just get over how much i hate hate how much i hate myself now
because i’ll never like myself now)

you should only ever help me
if i am coated in sugar

ignore me instead
i am coated in fire ants
wrapped in hate, anger, paranoia, nothing, nothing nothing nothing nothing

(not good for anyone)

i had dirt shoved in my mouth
for the same reason you demand a halo

silenced for two weeks
five months
three years
—because no one wanted to hear it
(from me)

i understand now:
you all want me to hate myself
because i deserve to hate myself
i was dead to you long before i knew it
and i won’t let it slip past me again
because dead people don’t come back to life

(i will never come back to life)

compost

i don’t think i ever will
get over it,
anything

i think i have egg shells under my eyes,
rotten rubbish piling up behind them.

and i want to change,
got told to change something (anything)
and i think i tried to fix me

i wish i didn’t collect
everything ever said to me (all bad)
and write it into my empty spaces

i wish i wasn’t filled with compost anymore