not loved

i am not loved
not liked by anyone

my behaviour pushed you away
wanting to be liked pushed you away

next time i’ll keep it in my pocket along with my bloody tissues

next time i’ll put holes in the brick walls

because she knows and i know
a breakdown is only okay from you
never from me

only okay wrapped in blankets wrapped in tears

only okay if you don’t wake up to the people who broke me every morning
broke me
they don’t even know or care
that i am only a fraction of who i used to be

(i could have liked myself, too,
but i should just get over how much i hate hate how much i hate myself now
because i’ll never like myself now)

you should only ever help me
if i am coated in sugar

ignore me instead
i am coated in fire ants
wrapped in hate, anger, paranoia, nothing, nothing nothing nothing nothing

(not good for anyone)


i can’t help but feel i am running empty
passing time just to waste it

replacing myself
replacing myself
replacing myself

i am a clone of who i was last year
changed slightly, still the same
same hair, same feelings
different face, different clothes

and i don’t know who did it to me

i am not the first one to replace me
(not the fifth, not the tenth)

they’re cloning me
to take what they like best
but none of it makes up a real person anymore


too much of me

no one is going to want this ugly body
embarrassing body

no body

there is too much of me
i am too much

like me

i break anything worth anything
nothing about me is worth anything

(worth less)

secretly self-conscious, and
consciously aware of not being

someone else

there is not a single part of me that is right
everything about me is wrong

i wish life would soak me back
take me back
put me back out

of misery

i had dirt shoved in my mouth
for the same reason you demand a halo

silenced for two weeks
five months
three years
—because no one wanted to hear it
(from me)

i understand now:
you all want me to hate myself
because i deserve to hate myself
i was dead to you long before i knew it
and i won’t let it slip past me again
because dead people don’t come back to life

(i will never come back to life)