someone’s nobody

right now i am living in memories
in more than one place,
crying in more than one time
happy at least once at least one place one time once

before i could see everything
(kaleidoscope vision),
watching myself be her, fiery but someone
someone

a someone back then wondering who this nobody is
(are you the one sent to care about me?
care about me care about me me please someone)
i always thought nobody was watching me
in the dark corner of my dark room, dark thoughts
making sure i made it somewhere,
closing my eyes at night
drying my eyes at night

i was right
i am nobody
and nobody cared about me

(i wasn’t the kind of angel she was expecting,
i tried
i’m sorry)

space filler

i don’t want to care about anyone anymore
don’t want to open my blinds

everyone finds out what i am anyway
nothing worth anything
is what i am anyway

you’re talking to me again
because I’m the next new thing (again)
worth a few seconds of your time again
(my sympathies)

tell me tell me everything
so i can be a waste of space filled with your space
until i’m too embarrassing to be around again
ugly, ugly, ugly, no wonder you hate me
your friends think my face is embarrassing my body is embarrassing
no wonder you hate me

my sense of self is dirt under your nails,
ticking, thinking about what was said about me (i heard it all)
and i sit quietly between words that no one wants to hear,
boiling, thinking (hollow forever)

no wonder you all hate me

bullies

i just want me back

don’t talk to me
i know you don’t want to talk to me

and i just want me back i want to talk to me again no one cares that the old me is gone
because they stole me,
don’t care about me,

Lost me.

They don’t even know that they lost me for me.

you don’t care that i’m a shell
i’m not worth time anyone’s time anymore
and everyone’s pushing me off their calendar one by one by one

I wish i could go back into the three years i lost and scoop myself up and take myself home.

(why don’t you care that i am a shell)
there is nothing left here, she climbed out left empty here

(put herself back in the happy years
before she met them)

and you’ll love the people who made me incapable of loving myself
of trusting anyone
more than you’ll ever miss me (her)

they may as well have taken the rest of me
and i have spent a year wishing they did
(bullies always win).

not loved

i am not loved
not liked by anyone

my behaviour pushed you away
wanting to be liked pushed you away

next time i’ll keep it in my pocket along with my bloody tissues

next time i’ll put holes in the brick walls

because she knows and i know
a breakdown is only okay from you
never
never from me

only okay wrapped in blankets wrapped in tears

only okay if you don’t wake up to the people who broke me every morning
broke me
they don’t even know or care
that i am only a fraction of who i used to be

(i could have liked myself, too,
but i should just get over how much i hate hate how much i hate myself now
because i’ll never like myself now)

you should only ever help me
if i am coated in sugar

ignore me instead
i am coated in fire ants
wrapped in hate, anger, paranoia, nothing, nothing nothing nothing nothing

(not good for anyone)

i had dirt shoved in my mouth
for the same reason you demand a halo

silenced for two weeks
five months
three years
—because no one wanted to hear it
(from me)

i understand now:
you all want me to hate myself
because i deserve to hate myself
i was dead to you long before i knew it
and i won’t let it slip past me again
because dead people don’t come back to life

(i will never come back to life)