no lights

my mouth tastes burned
and I hardly know who I am when I look in the mirror
any more
I keep getting further
and further
from who I want to be (or who I was)
and I keep telling myself to stay
or to move on
or to change
but I keep finding myself in a dark place
where there are no lights
surrounded by people
people telling me I look better with make up
and that I’m not fun if I’m not funny
or that it’s not okay
to be what I am
so my mouth burns every night
and my throat itches
I thought I wanted to be here
but I don’t know how to turn around
now that I know
that I’m not where I should be


How scared was I all this time
that I had lost you
I wandered for months,
but, now,
we’re sitting in the park at night,
driving to the beach
in the dark
I am still scared
that I might lose you
——-(and myself, again)

my song

I told you to put on my song
and I closed my eyes, swaying
in the middle of the floor
with fog swallowing me whole.
I begged no one to look at me
but I didn’t want to dance alone,
I wished that my wings were real
and that, at the end of the night,
I didn’t have to take off my make up,
that I could keep dancing there
as an angel
for just a few more hours.