I’m sorry I didn’t want you.
I was afraid that I wouldn’t know how to love you.
And that I wouldn’t know how to teach you to live
or how to love yourself.
I was scared to give up on myself
– to give myself away to you
because I don’t know if I was taught to love myself
And part of me would be angry if you got sick.
How do I help someone else?
I can barely help myself.
I know that one day I will grow old,
as so many have told me I will
and I’ll realise that I do want you.
But you’ll belong to someone else,
and that someone would have wanted you
when you so desperately needed to be wanted.
I’m afraid to die alone
afraid that no one will want me
afraid that I’m not good enough,
even though I tell myself I am every day.
But I’m still afraid
because I don’t want someone to want me
when it’s too late.