Change

interesting until you’re not interested anymore 

bottom of the priority list,

ignore me until you need love,

someone to talk to
people who don’t want to change never change

people who don’t want to change begged me to change

and i did

and now i know better 

i love you silently

My mind is a handful of dirty looks on the train, my lumpy body pressed against the rail. 

A girl glares at a man when he stumbles into her and i smile in triumph when she bumps her bag into me later.

At work i escape to the toilet once an hour. 

Today a man exits the bathroom and my mind blurts, ‘i love you,’ like a second voice. I don’t love him, though.

And my mind whispers another ‘i love you’ to a woman in a green dress. I recognise her self hate. I drink it up.

My head sways to a new song, my new song. I tell someone how much i love it. They don’t listen. I still sing it all day.

On the night train i spy a woman knitting small beanies and i like to imagine her making them for her cats. She has a wedding ring on her finger. I think i love her, too.

Stepping inside. Home. In the mirror i think ‘i hate you’, scream it in my head. I remember all of the people i silently loved today. No one loves me out loud.

Messy

I wonder what it tastes like to be lovely

to have the right to be needy, to be needed, need

a break from this body. This messy body.

with steel bars made of ghosts

—-all me, a me I left in August

listen to her,

she put whispers into my quiet words

said, Forget about it (Think about it)

she put another world in my hands, An Underneath

said, Come find me

I said, I have always tried