interesting until you’re not interested anymore
bottom of the priority list,
ignore me until you need love,
someone to talk to
people who don’t want to change never change
people who don’t want to change begged me to change
and i did
and now i know better
My mind is a handful of dirty looks on the train, my lumpy body pressed against the rail.
A girl glares at a man when he stumbles into her and i smile in triumph when she bumps her bag into me later.
At work i escape to the toilet once an hour.
Today a man exits the bathroom and my mind blurts, ‘i love you,’ like a second voice. I don’t love him, though.
And my mind whispers another ‘i love you’ to a woman in a green dress. I recognise her self hate. I drink it up.
My head sways to a new song, my new song. I tell someone how much i love it. They don’t listen. I still sing it all day.
On the night train i spy a woman knitting small beanies and i like to imagine her making them for her cats. She has a wedding ring on her finger. I think i love her, too.
Stepping inside. Home. In the mirror i think ‘i hate you’, scream it in my head. I remember all of the people i silently loved today. No one loves me out loud.
I wonder what it tastes like to be lovely
to have the right to be needy, to be needed, need
a break from this body. This messy body.
with steel bars made of ghosts
—-all me, a me I left in August
listen to her,
she put whispers into my quiet words
said, Forget about it (Think about it)
she put another world in my hands, An Underneath
said, Come find me
I said, I have always tried
time is all it takes for other people
to see how easy it is
to use me like concrete,
bury me under concrete
I beg you
bury me again,
everything repeats itself, and
I don’t think you ever changed
(did I? because look at me look at me look at me look at me)
I miss having locks unlocking
inside my head,
secrets, setbacks, secrets,
the Universe spilled them into me,
needed me to know everything
she said happiness is your demon
she said they tried get rid of you,
—-but I kept you
will keep you.
and I haven’t (won’t)
let anyone fool me again
But she is waiting to help me
if history is going to repeat itself
I’ll let it
you wrote on me in invisible ink
words you forgot
— didn’t care that you said
that i see in every mirror,
try and hide in every photo
words that slipped from your hands, your mouth
insults I’ll wear like chains until i die